Nesting is in Effect

If you're going by most of the photos I share you might think my house is beautiful and always organized.

And with a laugh I would say, "Yep, you're right." :)

But then I would have to reveal the truth, and the truth is my pictures are a little deceptive. I choose to share the pretty parts of our house. The parts that have the hardwood floors finished and sparkly new in appearance. The parts where the wood trim is freshly painted and the walls breath modern color back into this 1947 house.

But there is so much more to it though. So many areas that are not glamorous but actually right down ugly. The exterior condition is probably the worse part. And on the inside there is so many more areas that need attention and updating too. This sort of thing requires a whole separate budget of its own which we have not had. We have been reeling a bit financially from an unexpected summer of many expenses. Thank God for Mike's stable job and even feeling thankful for the head-ache pain of insurance because without it, it would be worse. So much worse. And thanking God also that we booked our vacation this past summer before all these hospital episodes took place. I would have promptly put my foot down and resisted the idea when Mike said, "Let's go on vacation." And you know, vacationing is one of those things that's easy for me to put off for reasons like the busy-ness of life, or not enough money, or feeling too stressed to wander further away from the most trusted hospital we know. But it's also easy to regret later on. There is value in getting away as a family and experiencing more of the world than just our own little corner of it where we live.

Many of the things Mike and I dream of changing in our house has had to wait though. And that's okay because it teaches a certain level of patience and contentment which I need to learn. It opens my eyes to see what's really important. There are days when I have failed miserably at it, feeling as though I am a five year old kid in a candy store stomping their foot because they cannot have all that they want.

Now we are expecting another little one. I am still soaking in that exciting news. It's miraculous to me and many of times I have wondered if we would ever have the privilege of being in the very spot that we are right now. I am in awe.

Preparing for a baby does not come cheaply. My mind was swirling when I sat down and tried to figure out how to "make it all work" (ever been there??). Then God made my head spin pertaining to all His {always} faithfulness. It's unexpected, need meeting, humbling, securing, and over the top faithful.

Looking over my To-Do list of things to get done before the baby arrives I knew our budget would not allow for them all to be completed. Typically that's the part where my 5 year old foot comes out and stomps in frustration. But I did not. Not this time. I want change. I want a better attitude. Christ has been helping that to happen in my life. So I paused, reflecting on all that is really important beyond beautiful rooms, organized closets, and a welcoming curb appeal.

I looked at my list again, circling two tasks that felt of highest priority to me and that which we could afford right now.

• Baby's closet
• Cayman's closet

Our house has three bedrooms. When we moved in, bedroom number three became use for storing office supplies and other misc. items. That is all getting moved out now to make room for our new little bundle of joy that will be arriving in less than four months...yikes! Gotta get busy. And busy is exactly what I have been.

I took written inventory of what is currently being stored in what will become the baby's room. Decided on what can be stored in the basement and what needs to find a new place in our home. Had a fun afternoon of coming up with budget-friendly creative ideas. Two books shelves placed on each side of my desk with attractive, affordable office bins from Walmart to hold all the supplies. Feeling comfortably blessed when I went online to Target and found the collection I purchased my desk from is currently being discontinued so the matching shelves were on sale with a promotion of free shipping. {Faithful. He is always faithful.}

Later that afternoon when I ordered the shelves Mike emailed me telling of a mistake that had occurred in his paycheck and we would be getting re-inburst in the amount that was nearly to the exact dollar of what those shelves cost. {Faithful. He is always faithful.}

To utilize a closet's space at its best potential a person needs to make use of the space all the way up to the ceiling. {That's fancy HGTV talk right there for ya}. In order to do that shelves are needed. Well most of the closets in our house lack shelving. Do you remember my broom closet post? It's just like that. The disorder of the 'before' broom closet is exactly what Cayman's closet has been. And oh it's frustrating. It was a terrible task taking out toys to play with and putting them away. Everything would just get stashed in on top of each other.

So I pulled everything out of Cayman's closet. Sketched the blue print layout including its dimensions. Sketched another drawing of a closet system that would accommodate for both clothes racks and shelves {a tricky thing to figure out when the closet is "T" shaped}. Took the drawings to Lowe's to figure out how to get this "custom" idea accomplished. Found a pre-made system similar to my own drawing that fit {nearly} perfectly in her closet for less than half the price than the custom made one. {Faithful. He is always faithful.}

The condition of Cayman's closet before.

Before: Only one tiny little shelf on the right side.

Before: Resulted in a pile up of toys on the floor of the closet.

Ready for the reveal of the after??

Hold your breath.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Ah, sigh with me as your eyes feast on that organized beauty!!

Shelving all the way up on the left side.

Shelving all the way up on the right side.

What an improvement!!

I have had such a great feeling satisfying my nesting urges. And the fact that these two projects turned out to be more comfortable on our pocketbook than we expected...well, I just have to say...

Faithful. He is {always} faithful.

20 weeks pregnant

This week is a significant milestone in pregnancy...or is it?

20 weeks today. It's the half way mark.

It's also the time when everything changed for us before. The ultrasound indicated that my first pregnancy was not going to be the "perfect" pregnancy I had dreamed of. We learned our baby girl was in danger. What a strong and powerful feeling that was.

Today we slip into this 20th week of pregnancy with an ease and a tender remembrance of the time before.

A different story is being written for us this time.

Things are calm. So very calm.

I am still settling into that.

It's strange.

It's peaceful.

It's sweet.

I snuggle my Cayman close to me. She's such a big girl now. She sits next to me on the couch as we watch some more "Signing Times" together. My one arm wrapped around her, my other resting gently on my baby bump.

And I think to myself...

"I love these everyday miracles."

Operation Project::: Move that Garage!

Have you ever thought to yourself, "We could really use a bigger garage."?

Me too.

Have you ever thought to yourself, "We could really use a better storage building in our back yard."?

Yep, I have.

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Hey, why don't we just cut off the existing attached garage from the house, move it to the back yard, and use it for the storage building and then just build from scratch a bigger garage onto the house. Yeah that'll work."?

That. I have not.

I myself am capable of thinking in such big ways but that's as far as it usually goes.

However, for my sister {and her husband}, they are amazing at the ideas they produce and accomplish with the help of a very experienced contractor who just happens to be a blessed friend and neighbor to them.

So of course when I learned of what seemed to me to sound like a crazy idea, I wanted to be certain to be present for the show.

Wouldn't you be interested in watching an entire portion of a house be hoisted up onto a trailer and be literally driven to the back yard, all the while hoping the structure of it doesn't fall a part and the whole project fail right before their eyes?

Or does such interest in watching this sort of thing come from only living in a small town completely surrounded by corn fields and so very little much else to do?

We were not the only ones showing up for the action. My sister's driveway looked like a used parking lot. And the fences in the backyards stretching down their street had neighbors leaning on them watching as well.

It was quite the festive afternoon.

And hooray for them, it was a success!

Enjoying the Last Bit of Warm Weather

The Autumn season is here, says so on the calendar. And Summer has poked its head back in for one last good-bye. It's been 90 degrees here lately!! Hot, hot. We had to pull out the shorts and put away the coats.

While this last stretch of summer weather is around we can be found outside, soaking in its warmth before the cold returns again.








On second thought, 90 degrees is pretty hot. We may just be found indoors cooling by the air conditioning instead.

Hearing Aids

We learned in depth last month that Cayman has a pretty messed up middle and inner ear. The bones in the middle ear are malformed and do not transmit sound well into the inner ear. And once sound does make it through the middle ear, the inner ear is even more malformed, with a part missing that effects both hearing and balance. The sound then travels up the nerve and into the brain. That pathway seems to be in good working order. But once the sound has reached the brain it has to be interpreted still by a brain that is severely malformed itself (and remember the sound that did make it all that way is pretty poor).

I sat there marveling over the doctor's analysis of Cayman's ear anatomy. It was felt shocking to hear. Cayman has carried on showing she understand much of what we say which masked that there ever was a problem with her hearing. The only thing that maybe gave us the slight wondering is her lack of speech development. She does not talk. We don't even hear many "mom's" or "dada's" anymore but the part of her brain that controls speech is not exactly typical either.

Listening to the doctor's overwhelming interpretation of the detailed scan of Cayman's ears and all the malformations it revealed, my head swirled in the terminology. We were getting a quick, crash coarse in ear anatomy it would seem.

I sat there engulfed in a great peace. We are in the midst of another one of God's amazing miracles in our little Cayman. It's remarkable that she can hear at all and the amount of hearing loss that is noted is marked only as mild to moderate. Can you see the miracle in that too?

Cayman was fitted for hearing aids, not a process that she enjoyed. In fact she cried. Poor baby. She just hates her ears being messed with and any progress we had made with the toy otoscope I am afraid was thrown out the window that day. The audiologist injected a putty-like substance into her ears that hardened to the shape of them after a few minutes. They took the mold out and that was used to custom make some well fitting hearing aid molds for Cayman.

And here's the big news: Cayman loves the hearing aids!

A toy otoscope, we don't need that to get her over her ear-touching phobias anymore. It only took her a couple of days to feel comfortable with them and now she sits patiently and calmly while I put them in each morning. She finishes it up with smiles and clapping. She never pulls them out. They have even improved her tolerance in wearing her glasses. Cayman learned quickly that when she pulls her glasses off out pops the hearing aids too. So she leaves those in place now as well. Can you imagine how much easier this has made things for us? No more struggles and fights. Except in eye patching...that's been thrown in the mix of doctor's orders now too, but we'll save that for another day's post.

We have noticed Cayman reacting to quieter sounds since she has gotten the hearing aids. And clinically the tests showed improvement in her range of hearing.

So many glorious things we are experiencing in our little miracle girl.

Peering out the window.

Pointing at a squirrel.

We're still keeping our fingers crossed and praying our insurance will pay for the hearing aids. We have appealed their denial and now we wait to hear from them again. I am told from a lot of different parties to not hold my breath though. Rarely does an insurance company pay for them.


*Sigh*

A Little Something for Grandma Cindy's Wall

Cayman, Madison, and baby Makenna

Healthy Toddler-ness

Cayman may not toddle but she is every bit as busy as the stereotypical Toddler is. It makes things a little crazy around here.

Already this morning...

~She has colored on a DVD case with a crayon.
~Pulled my hair. Twice.
~Thrown my cell phone behind the couch.
~Spit out her breakfast, turned to me and signed "eat". I guess she did not approve of what I served.
~Tried to bend her glasses in half.
~Unfolded the pile of bath towels.
~Climbed on top of the back of the couch. I rescued her quickly.
~And turned her bottle upside down and watched it drip its contents onto the carpet.

Phew. Crazy morning.

My mom has always said, "An active, ornery kid is the sign of a healthy kid."

Well then, I will take the gift of 'crazy' any day!

After all, it is pretty amazing.

Eating some breakfast in the living room while watching 'Signing Times'. We live dangerously, I know. But not too dangerous, after all it is only a little bowl of dry cereal.

It's a...

Dear little one in the womb,

Today I got a peek at you. For about an hour I watched as the technician carefully checked over every part of you, taking down your measurements, and examining all your major organs. And baby, even at peace as I was throughout the day, I still held my breath a little and was silently uttering prayers through out this process. Prayers asking for you to be healthy. But then I stopped for a moment to think and my prayers began to change [just slightly] to asking God for you to be growing just as He wants you to be. Because, you see Little One, life is always more prosperous when it's set to His will. I prayed that for your big sister too and I believe He answered it correctly. And I have been growing in that answer ever since. You never know what miracles the Father has in store. And you, my precious Little One, are my beautiful miracle boy. Healthy, a great size, and active. Really active! Mama thought she was feeling you a lot but I was surprise to learn how many of your movements I do not feel yet. We watched your hands go to your face. You arched your back and kicked your feet turning from side to side. And those tiny little hands of yours were opening and closing, making fists. You turned as if to face us. I grinned and grinned and couldn't stop grinning. Your daddy looked at me and smiled. He was a little misty eyed too. Wow how we do love you! That feeling always amazes me, just how much you can love someone that you have not met face to face. We can truly hardly wait to see you with your big sister. Raising the two of you together is going to be amazing! And what a privilege it will be for me. We're praising God for you, our precious baby boy!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

The profile. These are my favorites.

These ultrasound pictures can be hard to tell what you're seeing sometimes. This is the baby with his face looking at you. The dark spots are the eye sockets. And there's even a little hand in there holding up a finger (Note, it's not the naughty one. Unlike Cayman. Remember this post? She still does that.)

Oh yes, and there are the boy parts! He revealed them freely during the whole scan but kept other parts hidden, like his heart and head, making the technician work hard to get him to move to a better viewing position for her.

There's a hand.

A long, skinny leg and foot, just like his big sister's.

And there he is, in 3D with his hand over his ear. Perhaps this was during the moment I was yelling at Cayman to sit down, who had by this time stood up in her stroller and was being fully ornery and active herself. She's hit a stage where she's getting daring and experiencing "normal" bumps and bruises for a change. And this little mama is experiencing heart failure during those times I have watched her take some scary looking tumbles.


Did I mention, life is so good?

It is oh so good!

**Happy Birthday today to my sister Stacey!

Simple Statements

baby is about the size of a sweet potato


I'm 18 weeks pregnant today.

Baby moves a lot.

I love it!

***

I'm still sick with a head cold.

But doing a little better.

Cayman is much better.

And Mike is much, much better.

***

Cayman loves her hearing aids.

She didn't even fight me today when I put them in.

And she always leaves them in.

I'm glad.

Makes things easier for everyone.

***

I'm creating a new blog.

It's under construction.

Don't freak out someday when you find this one has moved.

I won't leave you hanging.

I'll provide directions to the new one.

***

Tomorrow is my 2nd trimester ultrasound.

Excited and nervous.

Is it a Girl or a Boy??

Poll says Girl.

We shall see tomorrow.

{Stream of Conscious Mind}

Dear Diary,

I am Sick. Scratchy throat, coughing, cloudy head, major congestion. I hate being sick. Little Cayman is too and she seems to be carrying a fever with it. Yesterday it spiked to 104! Freaking out mama. We made a dreaded visit to the local E.R. for Cayman. I hate going to that place for so many reasons. About an hour and a half later we were blessedly walking back out the doors headed for home. It is just normal sickness. That's nice. I am amazed that Cayman did not have a seizure with that high of a temperature. I praise Jesus highly for that one! Mike is sick as well but he's this big, strong man that can stand up to colds well. I am so glad about that. Mainly for his sake that he doesn't suffer but partly for the self-ish side of me that appreciates him waiting on his girls hand and foot when he is around. I am a lucky girl. I hate being sick, did I mention that already? Especially for this week. We have so many appointments. This could be Cayman's physical therapist's last week before she goes on a 3 month maternity leave and we love her. We do not want to miss saying good-bye. I also have my big anatomy ultrasound. And I had a dentist appointment for myself today which has already been canceled (spp, *in a whisper* I'm not all that sad about that though). But in truth I know I need to go and putting it off is really not doing me any favors. I've already had to promise Mike like a billion times that I will follow through with rescheduling and I always keep my promises. So I will, but not until after I get my talking voice back. I am not happy that these nasty colds have already ruined this past weekend for me. Well, maybe "ruined" is too strong of a word. But they definitely put a damper on the fun. We were in Columbus. Mike went to the Buckeyes football game with his family. Cayman and I hung out with one of my friends which also use to be my co-worker when I lived in Columbus. She's a massage therapist too and for two hours she massaged me! Oh-la-la, I am a lucky girl! She got my sinuses draining but not enough to take this nasty cold away. Cayman was a perfect angel and played the whole time. Baby #2 loved the massage I do believe. So many kicks and movements I felt from that precious little life growing inside of me. Then Cayman and I napped, and swam at the hotel. We ate, played, and just hung out with no distractions of the chores that call my name when we are at home. Sounds just wonderful doesn't it? And it was, except for the part that our colds were beginning to take full bloom and run down our energy. Actually I should restate that. It ran down my energy. How do kids do it? Cayman still managed to jump up and down on the bed, and move around like nothing felt different to her. She only stopped long enough to cough and sniffle. That was until Sunday morning when she woke up with her high fever. Fevers, seizures, and shunt failures are the only things that slow her down. You know, only the really big, major stuff. Unlike me. I lay and wallow in my mundane head colds. I hate being sick, but I think I told you that already. But instead of laying in bed moping I am taking myself to the Naturopathic Doctor's office today. I have said in the past that I am changing my ways where that can be done and visit him first and only the doctor second if he wasn't able to help. And maybe there will be a chance we will all be feeling better shortly. By tomorrow isn't too much to ask, right? :)

Sincerely,

Kristen

Hearing Aids and 17 weeks

There is a lot going on this week and things are getting exciting.

Cayman is getting her hearing aids today. Our insurance still does not want to pay for it but U of M is giving us loaner aids while we fight it out. Isn't that nice? Cayman's needs don't have to wait just because of their stubbornness. I will do an upcoming post about her new devices and all that was found regarding Cayman's ears on a CT scan. And I will also post about her eyes too and how that check up went. She's been a very busy little girl.

On the pregnancy front, I am 17 weeks now. Baby has been moving a lot more. Yesterday I felt the tiny kicks at least seven times. I wouldn't call it a "flutter" or "tickling" as some will say about their experiences. Instead I would describe it to feel more like the faintest drum beat or a tiny bubble popping, if that makes any sense.

I am one week away from my anatomy ultrasound. I am beyond excited for this appointment :). Mike too. Seriously, we are! There's still a spot deep in the pit of my stomach that feels nervous about it. But right now I am excited and I am thankful for that. It has been my goal to make this pregnancy enjoyable and not get caught up in the whirl wind of worries. The fears are still there but they do not rob the happiness we feel over expecting a baby again. There is a freedom I feel in not letting that worry bind me and overtake my joy. I can not accomplish that on my own. It really does take the joy of the Lord to be my strength. And the fact that I am excited for the upcoming ultrasound next week reveals how mighty that truth is because I am a natural worrier. That part comes so easy to me.

Here's the picture for the week {from BabyCenter.com}.

Journaling

When I was 18 years old I spent a month in Europe. Every night before bed I journaled all about the details of that day. Things I knew I never wanted to forget and never will because of that journal. It's this amazing keepsake for me and allows me to share my memories clearly for years to come. Even when I may forget the details of that adventurous journey of mine I can soon have the details resharpened when I return to the scrapbooks filled with pictures and writings. And for a moment I am re-experiencing a piece of it again.

But journaling has filled my life in other ways than just to remember the good times. It's also been an avenue in which I process my life - even in and especially during the difficult parts.

I have journaled ever since I was a little girl. I have kept logs of my life, thoughts, and inspirations. I still have my very first entries. Man are they a trip to read! The funny things that are so important to a person at the big age of seven are quite amusing.

None of my journals are anything truly profound or really special. Writing is not something that comes naturally for me, believe it or not. But I work hard at it because I feel my life is richer because of it.

There have been times when I needed it to act as a counselor for me. To hold my thoughts still so they could be changed or sometimes simply articulated. Finding the perfect words that bridge my inner thoughts with my outer experiences is not something that I feel I am very gifted at, but I value the self-discovery and growth it gives me and that part comes from the Lord. I know that well because anything that is beautifully written is not of my ability but truly His.

The thoughts and feelings that can go through me in just a single second is mighty but then I will search for hours trying to find the right words to express them. I guess the mind does not think and feel in words. But if those thoughts can ever be purged through words it is at those times I experience an awe-lifting freedom that delivers me to a brighter side of understanding and healing.

Not always does the experience of healing come instantly though. After all, some things in life are a process. And perhaps that process can be made smoother through the beauty of writing. Journaled words can hold the power to disentangle pent-up thoughts and emotions.

When I was pregnant with Cayman I did not journal much. Seems kind of odd especially since the news of her diagnosis left me with much to purge and process. But it's hard to make sense of life when in the middle of the storm. And not knowing what would happen next, surrounded by all the unknowns, I was not even sure what to process. I experienced so many emotions that felt larger than what any words could ever touch.

The pages of my pregnancy journal remained blank.

Occasionally I composed a letter to Cayman covering that sweet babe in love. How proud of her we have always been right from the start. Even in the moments when I felt we might lose her my heart continued to hold her close. She would always be my baby girl whether she remained with us or not.

But little did I write about my grief or what I was feeling. Words were not close to me.

Then Cayman was born. The pregnancy that felt as though it had dragged on enduringly was finally over. But there was a new set of battles - the NICU, surgeries, and the finding of more diagnoses. We were learning to settle in to the very unexpected life of caring for and raising a daughter with special needs.

More emotions were felt that were just too large for words to express.

When we finally made it home after 3 weeks in the NICU the storm felt like it continued. We had a stack of medical care instructions for our little girl. I felt ushered into a small medical degree by all the terminology and equipment. And we were on our own. No nursing care around the clock anymore.

So many emotions.

We were living with my in-laws. Most of our stuff still in boxes and all I had for my sweet little baby was one dresser and a borrowed bassinet. It was a worthy sacrifice we made so we could be living near our families again. But not having a true home of our own as we started our family was unsettling.

I felt many emotions.

Then Cayman's shunt continuously failed for many months in a row. She had something like 5 shunt surgeries within 4 months. We were on constant alert for the signs.

More emotions.

Life was busy. Stressful.

Mike was adjusting to a new job.

We were selling a house in a market that had crashed and the only way to be rid of the mortgage was to take a several thousand dollar loss on the sale price. To add to the financial stress, we owed more in medical bills than what our monthly income could accommodate. We watched our hard earned savings deplete to just a few dollars.

A lot of emotions.

By the time I sat down with my journal and pen in hand I did not even know where to begin. And I suppose much of it became held within.

Being pregnant again has me remembering a lot of those emotions that I had forgotten. They're still inside of me. And I began to wonder, as I felt a nudging on my heart to journal them as they popped up, that perhaps God has plans to bring me to a place where I know His grace even deeper.

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

{song "Unredeemed" by Selah}

I have been taking all those pent up thoughts and shattered emotions and laying them before the Lord. I have watched with eyes wide open full of wonder as He has replaced the pain I have felt from that time in our lives with an enhanced joy. I am more tender because of it. I am more aware of God because of it. I am happy. And that is an amazing feeling!

The County Fair

Over the weekend we were at the county fair. I have been particularly looking forward to it this year for many reasons:

~ Cayman's reactions and observations are so much more developed than a year ago. We wanted to show her the animals, the lights, the food, and take her on some rides...and watch for those exuberant expressions that let us know what she's thinking.

~Both Mike's family and my family were at the fair on the same afternoon. I absolutely love living near our families. When Mike and I finally made it back to our little beloved northwest Ohio about 3 years ago, I felt settled simply because this is where our families are.

~I have surpassed the pregnancy nausea {for the most part} and am feeling great! Even the fatigue has leveled out some. Walking around the fair, all the noise, dust, smells...I knew it wouldn't send me to the nearest bathroom or trash can. I was excited to get out and enjoy all of it. Especially the food!!

~Cayman has a borrowed fish tank at our home and it has been sitting empty. We were waiting for the fair when Cayman could throw oodles of ping pong balls at the tiny fish bowls to win one for herself. Throwing balls is Cayman's favorite thing to do {well, technically throwing anything is her favorite, just ask Grandma Sue how she got her puffy lip last week}.

Cayman continues to be frightened around any animal. She stares at them with great curiosity but prefers to keep them at a far distance. She jumped every time the pigs grunted loudly. We also saw goats, sheep, cows, rabbits, llamas, ponies, and chicks. In the pig barn Mike exclaimed, "Mmm, that looks like a good piece of bacon." So over in the llama's circle I exclaimed, "Mmm, that looks like a good skein of yarn." He got my joke and we laughed.

Cayman's Aunts holding the two newest members of her family, one from each side.
{On the left}: Aunt Stacey with baby Makenna.
{On the right}: Aunt Cara with baby Ty.

Baby Ty

CeCe, Sidney, and Madison standing in line for the next ride.

Grandma Sue and Sidney on the Scrambler.

Cayman adored her balloon she was given.

Grandma Sue climbing aboard the Clowns with Cayman.
Just look at Cayman's face. When did she begin to look so grown up?

The Crazy Bus was Cayman's favorite and by far also the most "wild" ride she went on. But she laughed and laughed while those little knuckles turned white from holding onto the bar in front of her so tightly. And when the bus came to a halt, she immediately signed "more".

Winning a fish...

It didn't go in.

Throwing more balls.
None of them went in.
But one of Grandpa's did plus another little girl, who had won several fish, brought one over to Cayman. So we came home with two fish.
Maybe my next poll I put up will be "How long will these fish live?".




Riding the Merry-go-Round.



There's that big girl look again.



And again.

She's been our baby for so long it feels and then suddenly, in spite of the many emergencies we had this summer, big girl looks and reactions have been emerging every where from her. It feels beautiful.