Hanging in the Balance is Tough

Friday, June 11, 2010

Cayman's puffy shunt

Being watchful for another shunt failure has kept so many of the traumatic emotions from the last failure present for me. I feel like I am processing it all over again, fearful that we will be running those hospital halls with our lifeless Cayman in our arms.

I find myself continuously asking the doctors the same questions.

There is an inner turmoil I feel. I have so many questions and I ache for answers.

Answers feel safe to me.

If I can figure out what went wrong, or how to detect the tiny signs right away at the least, then maybe we will never experience again the seriousness of Cayman's last shunt failure.

It's my searching for some assurance.

A yearning to know how we could have prevented what was nearly the inevitable ending to Cayman's life here.

But the answers are just not that simple.

When the future feels that unknown there is always plenty of room for fear.

I shutter at the thought of Cayman's shunt failing again, which from a medical stand point is very likely sometime in her life, given her history. She is just one of those kids that seems to have an issue in that department. Then given the fact that Cayman's shunt is puffier now than it was at the beginning of the week makes us feel jumpy that we might be experiencing it again soon.

I have prayed much, with my Bible on my lap, asking God to spare us of it.

From April of 2009 to May of 2010, a whole year we experienced no shunt complications. In fact, for many weeks we had "forgotten" that Cayman had a shunt. We did not give it much thought from day to day.

I want to get back to that normalcy. It was nice!

I wish I could say that I am always strong and positive.

It has been faith stretching and future blurring.

The fear. The trust.

I have been learning much about the sinking suffocation of this fear. It's not a place built for me by my Lord, I know that fully well. I am grateful that even in that dark place I am not hidden from Him. He meets me there. I am reminded I am not alone. Sometimes that is all I need to be lifted out of the murky pit of despair. But other times I need more. And He provides then too.

His love is what holds me still.

I embrace the truth that He has plans - plans to take care of us and give us a prosperous future.

To be openly honest, embracing that does not always come naturally. Truth is, I choose to trust it because I don't know how to survive without believing that God is in control. Without Him I have no hope that the senseless matters of life will ever be brought to a benefiting purpose.

Either for in this life or the next.

More than the actual heartache itself, it pains me more to think it's all in vain. But with the Lord, I know it's not.

We are thankful for a family of God that embraces and takes care of us. We are thankful for friends and family who rejoice with us and stand by us as we experience all sorts of uncertainties.

We love you all for it!

7 Showin' Comment Love:

Sarah said...

Oh Kristen that shunt doesn't look good at all, it breaks my heart to see her face yet another shunt surgery. Sending you all big hugs from Sydney. xx

Sue said...

Kristen....you are soooo right....we stand by you when all is going well, we are scared with you when things are not going well. Although we are not right there with you, always remember you all are in our thoughts and prayers....and prayers is what gets us through all these 'things' that we deal with....and sometimes through our past 5 years, praying did not come so easy, and I had to let alot of the praying come from others....but I could feel it, and know that we were not alone....you also....are not alone...give that little girl a hug from me!

Gabriella said...

Praying with you always.

Tara said...

Praying feels like second nature to me these days. I have been praying more and more for you guys the last couple of days.

I hope Cayman's shunt just starts working the way it is supposed to.

Shannon said...

I am so sorry you're hanging right now. That is one tough spot to be in. Marissa's had 10 shunt-related surgeries from December-February, one leading to another hemorrhage and subsequent time on the vent. I can relate to how you are feeling. Just remember to trust your instincts and don't let anyone convince you she's fine if you don't believe it yourself. You know her best! Praying for you all.

Jennifer said...

A shunt looking like that would freak me out, too. I'll be thinking of and praying for you!

Tiffany said...

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you...thinking of you all, always...