Living in the Moment

As a mother, rarely does my mind think outside of each day. My mind does not wonder into the years ahead, trying to think or plan what life will be like. Cayman’s diagnosis does not really make the predictability of the future all too easy. There are so many things that are so uncertain yet.

My heart went through many areas of grief after receiving her diagnosis. One of those areas was the loss in the ability to dream.

One dear friend of mine, made a fun-loving joke after the news of Cayman’s diagnosis when I was 5 months pregnant, “this is just the beginning of your child making you worry. Just wait until she gets her drivers license.”

We laughed.

Then my heart sank.

I could not even dream of that anymore as well as so many other things. It was a deprivation that angered me. Thinking of the upcoming years only brought me worry and anxiety over the many unknowns. I longed to dream and imagine my little girl climbing on the monkey bars at the park, playing sports in school, having sleep over’s. But instead, thoughts of her future only left unanswered questions…

Will Cayman ever walk?

What if she's in a wheel chair? Will we have to move to a house that can accommodate one? Will we be able to afford that?

Will Cayman ever learn to talk and have conversations someday? Will she have friends?

How many more surgeries, planned or unplanned, will Cayman go through yet? The older she gets, the harder it becomes to hand her over to the O.R. team. How will I handle it if she reaches her hands out to me? What if she cries for me? How do I comfort her while they carry her away?

Will I someday experience the dark day of losing her on this side of Heaven?

And on and on my mind would go (if I let it).

All those questions, thoughts, and fears so quickly give way to worry which is a rotten spot to experience because that kind of worry robs the joy in the present moments.

That was the very spot I found myself in back when Cayman was just four months old. She was in the hospital for her third shunt revision. We had taken her to the E.R. every single month since we brought her home from the NICU. Her shunts kept failing.

Mike asked the doctor the question, “Is this going to keep continuing for Cayman, her shunt failing all the time?”

The doctor responded tenderly and with honesty, “We hope not. Generally children will outgrow it but I cannot tell you when that will occur for Cayman. We just have to wait and see.”

Ah, wait and see. Those are some very familiar and yucky terms to all families that have been in medical situations. And it sucks!!

After the doctor had left, Mike turned to me, laying a hand upon my mine, he asked, “how ya handling it?”

I shook my head in almost disbelief that this was still our reality, still wishing that we would wake up one day and find it all different. With tear filled eyes, staring through the large picture window in front of us, I said, “If this is how it’s going to be, I wish there was a fast forward button on this journey, and I could move us into three years from now. Then hopefully we’d be past all these constant surgeries and we’d know more of how things are going to turn out for Cayman.”

Mike replied, “Yeah, I know what you mean.” He paused for a moment, quietly thinking and then continued, “But I suppose if we could move ourselves into the future, we would only want to keep moving more and more into the future, always wondering and never settling on the present moment and we would miss out on the parts of what is fun about Cayman’s age right now. We need to live in the moment.”

Those words penetrated deep into my heart. He was right.

But living in the moment is easy during special times in your life: Weddings, birthdays, vacations, etc. However, on days when there is so many heavy, weighted decisions, faced with scary uncertainties, living in the moment takes a lot of work and sometimes seems utterly impossible. But I knew that if I never learned how to live in the moment, worry, fear, and other distractions would rob my happiness in this life God had chosen for me.

Over those next months it was a process learning how to keep that worry in its rightful place.

It was a journey in which I spent much of it on my knees…

a pen pressed in my hand…

page after page of scribbled thoughts and feelings journaled…

Until slowly, my reflections began to change.

Instead of focusing on what caused me pain, I began to focus on what was bringing me joy. And when I finally let go of requiring that the future be a certain way…Poof!...Suddenly I became content with what I had now. It was a divine shift in my paradigm.

I found myself living in the moment, totally immersed in the everyday experiences, soaking them in with every cell of my body. Feeling happiness like I did not even know was possible after the news of Cayman’s diagnosis.

I began to see the gift in living only in each day and not getting caught up in the worry over the years ahead. Turns out, it is a treasured place. It's a place where keeping the bliss in each day is easy. To realize that the present, right now, is great. That has been tremendously freeing. It has led me to a gratitude and surge of energy and strength in my days.

My camera, this blog, my personal journal; are all modalities I use to capture and write everyday about the moments that surround me. Every week I review my writings and pictures. In doing this, my mind concentrates on what I am doing and thinking each day. In keeping this up, living in the moment has become a habit that adds happiness, enthusiasm, and vitality to my days.

Am I still deprived to dream of the future?

Yeah, maybe.

But it's in those things where there is sacrifice, greater gain is accomplished.

I may not be able to dream. I may not be able to plan what our future will be like raising Cayman, but my gain is a greater joy in each day because my mind now knows how to rest on the now moments and bask in their full, rich value.

And when my mind is still tempted to get lost in it that wayward journey of worry, I am reminded that God knew exactly what it would mean when He made Cayman just like she is. He knew all that it would entail. He chose us for this life and I choose to trust His plans.

Moments

Recognize each moment for what it is; Special
For each moment happens only once
No moment, good or bad, will be exactly like the one before it or the one after it
So breathe deep every breath
Examine closely with fully open eyes
Feel each and every experience with every cell of your body
For then and only then will you truly be living
And isn’t living what this life is all about?