Live to Shoot, Shoot to Live -Is What I Do

It's no secret that I take a lot of pictures and have so much fun doing it!

But what many might not realize about me is that taking pictures is more than just fun; it's way more than just a hobby even. It's been a catharsis for me, an ever present therapist right in the palm of my hand.

Since Cayman has been born I have taken, oh somewhere around a zillion pictures of her! I want to never forget the miracle of each milestone. The beauty of each smile. And especially the kicks of her spunky personality. The pictures I take and the stories I write along with them, have the power to sharpen my memory greater than any other tool.

The photos Mike took of Cayman just minutes after she was born and all the photos during her 3 week stay in the NICU have been groundbreaking for me. You see, my heart aches that I missed Cayman's birth. We did not get to experience her first cries or watch her move and wiggle when they pulled her out into this world. I didn't get to see the look on Mike's face when he saw his first born child, for the first time.

My entrance into motherhood was far from what I dreampt it would be. The hour I finally met my daughter face to face, I was just coming off of General Anaesthesia and pumped full of morphine. The drugs had me feeling loopy and I can not recall much from those first precious hours of Cayman's life. But the pictures that Mike took of our brand new baby Cayman, they have given me the chance to feel like I was there, apart of her arrival. I have looked at them about a thousand times. I have watched the videos over and over again of us holding her and sitting next to her side while she rested in the NICU.

All of those saved files are so precious to me. Without those images all I would have is an unclear memory fogged up from so many unprocessed emotions at the time. Those pictures have brought comfort and healing to my heart. They have pulled those precious memories out from the dim corners of my mind so I can hold them even closer to my heart. They allow me to have another chance to take it all in again but this time with a clearer mind.

I wish I could do the same for the months I was pregnant with Cayman. I find myself searching for those captured memories. Pictures or videos that would help bring my fuzzy memories to the surface. But at last, my heart sinks as I realize, I let that valued span of time in my life go by without capturing much of it. I had no idea how greatly that would hurt me today.

I have sat and tried to make sense of why I let that happen. I guess it was a time when I was not working on remembering life but just getting through each day. But I have gone through enough events of grief in my life to know that the reminding memories that make the pain feel worse at the present time are sometimes the very ones we end up holding the dearest to our hearts later on. That is why I am so surprised that I let those precious months slip by uncaptured. Even in my grief, I should have known better. Those pictures would have always been precious to me.

I find myself ohhing and ahhing over the images of an expecting daddy kissing and loving on his wife's preggo belly. My eyes sparkle at the captured moment of them embracing each other.

You know, there is not a single picture I have of Mike and I together when I was pregnant with Cayman. That stings my heart terribly. Especially since I will never have that opportunity again. It makes me want to run out, start my own photography studio and take pictures for every pregnant mama out there so she can forever have a sharp memory of that precious time in her life.

My mistake was not experienced in vain though. It has taught me to soak in the mundane, capture the day-to-day stuff, record the thoughts and emotions along with it because you never know when even the most ordinary pictures you take might someday be groundbreaking to you.


Many, many months ago, I shared this video of Cayman's first minutes of life. I hope you don't mind that it's a repeat. But then again, some things are worth repeating especially when they're this beautiful. :)