What Should I Say?

A few months back, Mike and I were approached by a couple asking for advice on what to say to their friends that were about to have a baby born with a pretty serious diagnosis.

That's a good question.

I'm not sure if I have the answer or even if there really is an answer. I have some thoughts...mostly things that I liked what people had said to me and how they treated me. I also could make a list of things that I did not like said.

I realize in tough situations, each person grieves and processes differently. So my thoughts may apply to the next person or they may not. That right there is why you should never judge. To each, their own.

The only behavior I feel is unacceptable in your grief process is if you're hurting yourself or other people.

In our time of grief, Mike and I promised to stay kind to each other even at the height of our stress level. That can be difficult to do when a person is sleep deprived and stressed but it's so important. We weren't perfect at it, but it's a situation that doesn't require perfection in order to do a good job. There were times we spoke to each other more harshly than intended but we were quick to realize our wrong and quick to forgive each other. A simple, "I'm sorry, let me change the way I said that." is all it would take to restore the love.

Probably the one phrase Mike and I heard the most when I was pregnant was: "God does not give you more than you can handle." We got so tired of hearing this!! If that is true, that God does not give more than we can bear, then we felt we were maxed out. He better not dish out anymore.

Another phrase I heard that I did not like was, "you must be such a strong person for God to allow this to happen to you." My response to that was, "Well then I wish God would look upon me as weak."

I really appreciated the times when people affirmed my feelings. I felt encouraged and supported, not judged by that. One woman said to me, "I have thought about the fact that this must be extra scary for you, with Cayman being your first child." That was true and something I had not shared a lot about. When my feelings were affirmed I felt safe and found great comfort in talking with someone that listened with a non-judging ear.

A lot of people seem to fall under the assumption that they need to say something positive that will ease the burden. There is nothing that can ease the pain.

I always appreciated the people that found a healthy balance between not making light of the situation while not handing out pity either. I understand that that is a fine line. They were the people I felt the most safe with. It was scary for me to leave the house and be around people after word of Cayman's diagnosis was out. I didn't want to be stared at, picked over, evaluated, and discussed. It bothered me when I could obviously see people steer clear of my presence because they didn't know what to say. It was yet another reminder of our sad news.

I enjoyed receiving hugs and compassionate smiles...oh and I can't forget the cards that were sent in the mail. I'm a sucker for good 'ol fashion snail mail! I feel loved every time!!

Well that's about all my thoughts for now. There's lots more that keep coming to mind but really there's one staple you can always fall on that is right, and that is be a non-judgmental ear.

***To my readers that have been in a situation of grief, do you have anything you would add of what you liked and/or did not like said to you?