Not always so postive

Sometimes, somedays, it's really difficult for me to stay positive that everything is going to be alright. It seems so relative. Mike will say to me "It's ok, everything is going to be alright". But what does that mean? Most of the time we are at a lost to answer that question. At one time "alright" meant we were going to go back to one of the appointments and find that all the extra fluid in her head was gone and her brain looks healthy. But as we've watched it progress from moderate to severe levels as well as the findings of other birth defects it changed to "if only our baby girl lives everything will be alright". I do feel more confident that she will live, and I am glad about that. Presently, "alright" means to me that her limitations and handicaps would be in a mild category. I think Cayman has an amazing strong will and will surprise us all.

In the beginning when the Hydrocephalus was discovered, we were asked if we would terminate the pregnancy. It wasn't even something we had to think about, it was an automatic "No". But as we began to learn how serious Cayman's condition could be a very strange guilt came over me. Had we made a decision to inflict our daughter with years of handicap, pain and suffering? But yet it's not my choice to give or take away life. God had given this baby life, who was I to say that she shouldn't live? I felt like I was playing god if I made that decision to end our daughter's life. So I did what I have learned in life to do with guilt...pass it over to God and replace it with a different thought, a better thought. In this situation I replaced it with the thought that God and Cayman are in control here. They decide how well she does. I have much more faith in God and in Cayman's strong will than I do myself anyways. I have been so extremely exhausted living with all the unknowns.

However I feel like I am a priviledged bystander in this potential miracle. Like, I get the best seat in the theater to watch God work in Cayman. I get to help her, to love and support her.

Perhaps God has a bigger plan than I had for myself as a mother.

Maybe my dream isn't crushed, maybe just a little altered.