23 Weeks

Yesterday was another OB appointment for me. I am now 5 month, or counting by weeks, I am 23 weeks along.

Our baby boy continues to be very active making the doctor chase him around with the doppler ultrasound to check on his beating heart, which was in the 140's. It still sends my mind swirling over this type of 'normal' and how very unusual it is to me. I call my appointments "boring" although hearing that little heart living away inside of me is anything but boring. The rest is boring - waiting for my name to be called, getting a weight, blood pressure, peeing in a cup - you know just the regular stuff.

But only the regular stuff this time.

It's such a different experience. To be expecting a child without planning all the extra medical care and concerns is...well you can say it's heart calming. It really can and is happening for us. I still soak in that fact each day over the blessing that it is. And I continue to ask God to protect that blessing.

It also emerges me even deeper into the gift I was given on my first trip - my Cayman. She is this precious miracle in our lives. I will never forget the distress, grief, and confusion that became so familiar to me when I was pregnant with her. I had learned that my unborn child had a serious and very likely fatal birth defect and if she did survive we would be burdened by the work of raising an extremely handicapped child. Descending through the long hallways of the hospital after my OB appointments with Cayman felt more like a bad dream than real life itself. But I could not wake up from it. I could not escape it. I could not change it. It was our reality.

Now I walk those same hallways again, my faithful Mike still at my side, this time pushing Cayman in her stroller, with another little one on the way. Different thoughts roll through my mind than the time before. I can still remember the numbness, the pain, the agony that consumed my thoughts. So many prayers I breathed in those hallways begging God to change it. "Fix her Lord". "Take the diagnosis away".

Walking away from the OB clinic yesterday I hooked my arm into Mike's as I reflected on that time before. I fell deeper in love with him. The hardship we faced over Cayman's diagnosis never made him bitter. He allowed it to cultivate a tender growth of love and sensitivity toward life. Watching him become a daddy in a NICU setting taught me something about security and the amazing person that he is.

As we continued to walk toward the parking lot yesterday, together - our little family of four, I glanced down and my eyes stopped on Cayman, my little living-away-loving-life Cayman, and I smiled. She has changed our world. I have come to fully realize that I do not regret for one moment that I experienced all that heartache when I was pregnant with her. For it's made the joy of the miracle that she is all the more sweeter. It has grown the capacity for which I can feel the gift of a healthy baby.

Cayman's diagnosis did not crumble my world like I thought it would [once upon a time]. On the contrary, it has built it up and unveiled my eyes so that I can see more clearly how to treasure the gift that each day is. I don't think that comes naturally in life. Sometimes pain is the best teacher to help us learn that. It gives us the opportunity for self-discovery and growth to take us into a deeper knowledge of appreciation for the simple things.

I never doubted that God was always with us in every grim OB appointment. I did question where He was in it all. Like a foggy fall morning I couldn't see then but I do now. He was working a blessing into our lives far more dreamlike than we could imagine. We call her Our Beautiful Cayman Cindy. She is our sweet little blessing that came to us just as He wanted her to be. I didn't understand that in the beginning. There was much I did not understand back then. But I know now and not just intellectually but by heartfelt experience every day how beautiful this life is that God has written for me. What did I ever do to be so blessed like this? Surely I am not deserving. God's love astounds me in the many ways He lavishes Himself on me. I see it every day in my husband. I see it in my little Cayman. I see it in the miracle of the life that is growing inside of me.

There is a sweet privilege and finesse I feel over my two children. Experiencing these two miracles of life in such very different ways.

Thinking, Smiling, Planning, Dreaming

It's one of those nights when I cannot get my mind to shut off.

I should be sleeping. I need to be sleeping. I know this. For morning comes faster these days with all the extra sleep my body craves while growing a baby. But tomorrow is an exciting day for us. We will finally take our months of talking plans and put them into real action on the nursery makeover.

I have mentioned before that in our house there are three bedrooms. In the third one there was an addition added on once upon a time that is sort of like a fourth bedroom but really it's just an extension of the 3rd bedroom since you have to pass through it to get to the 4th part.

Our plans are to finish off the wall between these two rooms completely separating them from one another. Then in the alcove of our foyer we will create a new door which will be the fourth bedroom's entrance. Obviously construction will not be done respectively. The new door will be cut first and then the wall will get filled in.

I'll share pictures later and then my description will make clearer sense.

We will have the absolute best help at achieving all this master mind construction that goes far above our knowledge (I know how to hammer a nail, that counts for something). The same contractor that moved my sister's garage will be here helping us. I could not be any happier about having him in our home even if he was Ty Pennington himself. His sidekick helper (a.k.a. my brother-in-law) is going to be helping too. "Thanks Dan!"

So what the heck, I am just going to lay here relaxing over a sudoku game played on my Ninetendo DS and allow myself to feel giddy and dream, soaking in the excitement I feel about being one day closer to finishing my little baby's room. Sleep will come eventually. And this feeling I have in my heart, I never want to forget.

You know, it's pretty much amazing being able to plan a nursery and to have one available to provide. For so many different reasons.

Feeling so thankful for my blessings.

Nesting is in Effect

If you're going by most of the photos I share you might think my house is beautiful and always organized.

And with a laugh I would say, "Yep, you're right." :)

But then I would have to reveal the truth, and the truth is my pictures are a little deceptive. I choose to share the pretty parts of our house. The parts that have the hardwood floors finished and sparkly new in appearance. The parts where the wood trim is freshly painted and the walls breath modern color back into this 1947 house.

But there is so much more to it though. So many areas that are not glamorous but actually right down ugly. The exterior condition is probably the worse part. And on the inside there is so many more areas that need attention and updating too. This sort of thing requires a whole separate budget of its own which we have not had. We have been reeling a bit financially from an unexpected summer of many expenses. Thank God for Mike's stable job and even feeling thankful for the head-ache pain of insurance because without it, it would be worse. So much worse. And thanking God also that we booked our vacation this past summer before all these hospital episodes took place. I would have promptly put my foot down and resisted the idea when Mike said, "Let's go on vacation." And you know, vacationing is one of those things that's easy for me to put off for reasons like the busy-ness of life, or not enough money, or feeling too stressed to wander further away from the most trusted hospital we know. But it's also easy to regret later on. There is value in getting away as a family and experiencing more of the world than just our own little corner of it where we live.

Many of the things Mike and I dream of changing in our house has had to wait though. And that's okay because it teaches a certain level of patience and contentment which I need to learn. It opens my eyes to see what's really important. There are days when I have failed miserably at it, feeling as though I am a five year old kid in a candy store stomping their foot because they cannot have all that they want.

Now we are expecting another little one. I am still soaking in that exciting news. It's miraculous to me and many of times I have wondered if we would ever have the privilege of being in the very spot that we are right now. I am in awe.

Preparing for a baby does not come cheaply. My mind was swirling when I sat down and tried to figure out how to "make it all work" (ever been there??). Then God made my head spin pertaining to all His {always} faithfulness. It's unexpected, need meeting, humbling, securing, and over the top faithful.

Looking over my To-Do list of things to get done before the baby arrives I knew our budget would not allow for them all to be completed. Typically that's the part where my 5 year old foot comes out and stomps in frustration. But I did not. Not this time. I want change. I want a better attitude. Christ has been helping that to happen in my life. So I paused, reflecting on all that is really important beyond beautiful rooms, organized closets, and a welcoming curb appeal.

I looked at my list again, circling two tasks that felt of highest priority to me and that which we could afford right now.

• Baby's closet
• Cayman's closet

Our house has three bedrooms. When we moved in, bedroom number three became use for storing office supplies and other misc. items. That is all getting moved out now to make room for our new little bundle of joy that will be arriving in less than four months...yikes! Gotta get busy. And busy is exactly what I have been.

I took written inventory of what is currently being stored in what will become the baby's room. Decided on what can be stored in the basement and what needs to find a new place in our home. Had a fun afternoon of coming up with budget-friendly creative ideas. Two books shelves placed on each side of my desk with attractive, affordable office bins from Walmart to hold all the supplies. Feeling comfortably blessed when I went online to Target and found the collection I purchased my desk from is currently being discontinued so the matching shelves were on sale with a promotion of free shipping. {Faithful. He is always faithful.}

Later that afternoon when I ordered the shelves Mike emailed me telling of a mistake that had occurred in his paycheck and we would be getting re-inburst in the amount that was nearly to the exact dollar of what those shelves cost. {Faithful. He is always faithful.}

To utilize a closet's space at its best potential a person needs to make use of the space all the way up to the ceiling. {That's fancy HGTV talk right there for ya}. In order to do that shelves are needed. Well most of the closets in our house lack shelving. Do you remember my broom closet post? It's just like that. The disorder of the 'before' broom closet is exactly what Cayman's closet has been. And oh it's frustrating. It was a terrible task taking out toys to play with and putting them away. Everything would just get stashed in on top of each other.

So I pulled everything out of Cayman's closet. Sketched the blue print layout including its dimensions. Sketched another drawing of a closet system that would accommodate for both clothes racks and shelves {a tricky thing to figure out when the closet is "T" shaped}. Took the drawings to Lowe's to figure out how to get this "custom" idea accomplished. Found a pre-made system similar to my own drawing that fit {nearly} perfectly in her closet for less than half the price than the custom made one. {Faithful. He is always faithful.}

The condition of Cayman's closet before.

Before: Only one tiny little shelf on the right side.

Before: Resulted in a pile up of toys on the floor of the closet.

Ready for the reveal of the after??

Hold your breath.

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Ah, sigh with me as your eyes feast on that organized beauty!!

Shelving all the way up on the left side.

Shelving all the way up on the right side.

What an improvement!!

I have had such a great feeling satisfying my nesting urges. And the fact that these two projects turned out to be more comfortable on our pocketbook than we expected...well, I just have to say...

Faithful. He is {always} faithful.

20 weeks pregnant

This week is a significant milestone in pregnancy...or is it?

20 weeks today. It's the half way mark.

It's also the time when everything changed for us before. The ultrasound indicated that my first pregnancy was not going to be the "perfect" pregnancy I had dreamed of. We learned our baby girl was in danger. What a strong and powerful feeling that was.

Today we slip into this 20th week of pregnancy with an ease and a tender remembrance of the time before.

A different story is being written for us this time.

Things are calm. So very calm.

I am still settling into that.

It's strange.

It's peaceful.

It's sweet.

I snuggle my Cayman close to me. She's such a big girl now. She sits next to me on the couch as we watch some more "Signing Times" together. My one arm wrapped around her, my other resting gently on my baby bump.

And I think to myself...

"I love these everyday miracles."

It's a...

Dear little one in the womb,

Today I got a peek at you. For about an hour I watched as the technician carefully checked over every part of you, taking down your measurements, and examining all your major organs. And baby, even at peace as I was throughout the day, I still held my breath a little and was silently uttering prayers through out this process. Prayers asking for you to be healthy. But then I stopped for a moment to think and my prayers began to change [just slightly] to asking God for you to be growing just as He wants you to be. Because, you see Little One, life is always more prosperous when it's set to His will. I prayed that for your big sister too and I believe He answered it correctly. And I have been growing in that answer ever since. You never know what miracles the Father has in store. And you, my precious Little One, are my beautiful miracle boy. Healthy, a great size, and active. Really active! Mama thought she was feeling you a lot but I was surprise to learn how many of your movements I do not feel yet. We watched your hands go to your face. You arched your back and kicked your feet turning from side to side. And those tiny little hands of yours were opening and closing, making fists. You turned as if to face us. I grinned and grinned and couldn't stop grinning. Your daddy looked at me and smiled. He was a little misty eyed too. Wow how we do love you! That feeling always amazes me, just how much you can love someone that you have not met face to face. We can truly hardly wait to see you with your big sister. Raising the two of you together is going to be amazing! And what a privilege it will be for me. We're praising God for you, our precious baby boy!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

The profile. These are my favorites.

These ultrasound pictures can be hard to tell what you're seeing sometimes. This is the baby with his face looking at you. The dark spots are the eye sockets. And there's even a little hand in there holding up a finger (Note, it's not the naughty one. Unlike Cayman. Remember this post? She still does that.)

Oh yes, and there are the boy parts! He revealed them freely during the whole scan but kept other parts hidden, like his heart and head, making the technician work hard to get him to move to a better viewing position for her.

There's a hand.

A long, skinny leg and foot, just like his big sister's.

And there he is, in 3D with his hand over his ear. Perhaps this was during the moment I was yelling at Cayman to sit down, who had by this time stood up in her stroller and was being fully ornery and active herself. She's hit a stage where she's getting daring and experiencing "normal" bumps and bruises for a change. And this little mama is experiencing heart failure during those times I have watched her take some scary looking tumbles.


Did I mention, life is so good?

It is oh so good!

**Happy Birthday today to my sister Stacey!

Simple Statements

baby is about the size of a sweet potato


I'm 18 weeks pregnant today.

Baby moves a lot.

I love it!

***

I'm still sick with a head cold.

But doing a little better.

Cayman is much better.

And Mike is much, much better.

***

Cayman loves her hearing aids.

She didn't even fight me today when I put them in.

And she always leaves them in.

I'm glad.

Makes things easier for everyone.

***

I'm creating a new blog.

It's under construction.

Don't freak out someday when you find this one has moved.

I won't leave you hanging.

I'll provide directions to the new one.

***

Tomorrow is my 2nd trimester ultrasound.

Excited and nervous.

Is it a Girl or a Boy??

Poll says Girl.

We shall see tomorrow.

Hearing Aids and 17 weeks

There is a lot going on this week and things are getting exciting.

Cayman is getting her hearing aids today. Our insurance still does not want to pay for it but U of M is giving us loaner aids while we fight it out. Isn't that nice? Cayman's needs don't have to wait just because of their stubbornness. I will do an upcoming post about her new devices and all that was found regarding Cayman's ears on a CT scan. And I will also post about her eyes too and how that check up went. She's been a very busy little girl.

On the pregnancy front, I am 17 weeks now. Baby has been moving a lot more. Yesterday I felt the tiny kicks at least seven times. I wouldn't call it a "flutter" or "tickling" as some will say about their experiences. Instead I would describe it to feel more like the faintest drum beat or a tiny bubble popping, if that makes any sense.

I am one week away from my anatomy ultrasound. I am beyond excited for this appointment :). Mike too. Seriously, we are! There's still a spot deep in the pit of my stomach that feels nervous about it. But right now I am excited and I am thankful for that. It has been my goal to make this pregnancy enjoyable and not get caught up in the whirl wind of worries. The fears are still there but they do not rob the happiness we feel over expecting a baby again. There is a freedom I feel in not letting that worry bind me and overtake my joy. I can not accomplish that on my own. It really does take the joy of the Lord to be my strength. And the fact that I am excited for the upcoming ultrasound next week reveals how mighty that truth is because I am a natural worrier. That part comes so easy to me.

Here's the picture for the week {from BabyCenter.com}.

Journaling

When I was 18 years old I spent a month in Europe. Every night before bed I journaled all about the details of that day. Things I knew I never wanted to forget and never will because of that journal. It's this amazing keepsake for me and allows me to share my memories clearly for years to come. Even when I may forget the details of that adventurous journey of mine I can soon have the details resharpened when I return to the scrapbooks filled with pictures and writings. And for a moment I am re-experiencing a piece of it again.

But journaling has filled my life in other ways than just to remember the good times. It's also been an avenue in which I process my life - even in and especially during the difficult parts.

I have journaled ever since I was a little girl. I have kept logs of my life, thoughts, and inspirations. I still have my very first entries. Man are they a trip to read! The funny things that are so important to a person at the big age of seven are quite amusing.

None of my journals are anything truly profound or really special. Writing is not something that comes naturally for me, believe it or not. But I work hard at it because I feel my life is richer because of it.

There have been times when I needed it to act as a counselor for me. To hold my thoughts still so they could be changed or sometimes simply articulated. Finding the perfect words that bridge my inner thoughts with my outer experiences is not something that I feel I am very gifted at, but I value the self-discovery and growth it gives me and that part comes from the Lord. I know that well because anything that is beautifully written is not of my ability but truly His.

The thoughts and feelings that can go through me in just a single second is mighty but then I will search for hours trying to find the right words to express them. I guess the mind does not think and feel in words. But if those thoughts can ever be purged through words it is at those times I experience an awe-lifting freedom that delivers me to a brighter side of understanding and healing.

Not always does the experience of healing come instantly though. After all, some things in life are a process. And perhaps that process can be made smoother through the beauty of writing. Journaled words can hold the power to disentangle pent-up thoughts and emotions.

When I was pregnant with Cayman I did not journal much. Seems kind of odd especially since the news of her diagnosis left me with much to purge and process. But it's hard to make sense of life when in the middle of the storm. And not knowing what would happen next, surrounded by all the unknowns, I was not even sure what to process. I experienced so many emotions that felt larger than what any words could ever touch.

The pages of my pregnancy journal remained blank.

Occasionally I composed a letter to Cayman covering that sweet babe in love. How proud of her we have always been right from the start. Even in the moments when I felt we might lose her my heart continued to hold her close. She would always be my baby girl whether she remained with us or not.

But little did I write about my grief or what I was feeling. Words were not close to me.

Then Cayman was born. The pregnancy that felt as though it had dragged on enduringly was finally over. But there was a new set of battles - the NICU, surgeries, and the finding of more diagnoses. We were learning to settle in to the very unexpected life of caring for and raising a daughter with special needs.

More emotions were felt that were just too large for words to express.

When we finally made it home after 3 weeks in the NICU the storm felt like it continued. We had a stack of medical care instructions for our little girl. I felt ushered into a small medical degree by all the terminology and equipment. And we were on our own. No nursing care around the clock anymore.

So many emotions.

We were living with my in-laws. Most of our stuff still in boxes and all I had for my sweet little baby was one dresser and a borrowed bassinet. It was a worthy sacrifice we made so we could be living near our families again. But not having a true home of our own as we started our family was unsettling.

I felt many emotions.

Then Cayman's shunt continuously failed for many months in a row. She had something like 5 shunt surgeries within 4 months. We were on constant alert for the signs.

More emotions.

Life was busy. Stressful.

Mike was adjusting to a new job.

We were selling a house in a market that had crashed and the only way to be rid of the mortgage was to take a several thousand dollar loss on the sale price. To add to the financial stress, we owed more in medical bills than what our monthly income could accommodate. We watched our hard earned savings deplete to just a few dollars.

A lot of emotions.

By the time I sat down with my journal and pen in hand I did not even know where to begin. And I suppose much of it became held within.

Being pregnant again has me remembering a lot of those emotions that I had forgotten. They're still inside of me. And I began to wonder, as I felt a nudging on my heart to journal them as they popped up, that perhaps God has plans to bring me to a place where I know His grace even deeper.

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

{song "Unredeemed" by Selah}

I have been taking all those pent up thoughts and shattered emotions and laying them before the Lord. I have watched with eyes wide open full of wonder as He has replaced the pain I have felt from that time in our lives with an enhanced joy. I am more tender because of it. I am more aware of God because of it. I am happy. And that is an amazing feeling!

16 weeks Preganant

I am certainly over-due to write an update about the baby that is growing in my belly. The weeks just keep going by. But you know what that means...

Time flying by = Pregnancy flying by

And the second time around, it is certainly feeling quick. I am sure I can give Cayman quite a bit of credit for that. She keeps me on my toes! And the fact that this pregnancy will end at 8 months and not 9 months makes me almost at the half way point already!

My last OB appointment was four weeks ago. I was 12 weeks pregnant then. My mom came with me. Mike worked. We have had a slew of doctor appointments for Cayman this summer and Mike's work has graciously allowed him to come along to most of them. But that makes for some busy days when he does return to work and his strong loyalty toward his job keeps him mindful about not falling behind {just another something I love about him}.

With the appointments being located up in Ann Arbor it's not as simple as taking an extra long lunch during work to attend the doctor's appointment and then return for the rest of the day. The distance between our home and our medical care facility pretty much turns it into an all day event with the four hour round trip drive. And so we decided it was best for Mike to just go to work that day since my OB appointment was simply going to be a regular, boring pre-natal check up - weight, blood pressure, pee in a cup. Just the mundane stuff. Well besides hearing the baby's heart beat. There's nothing boring about that. And I promised Mike I would have my mom video it so he would not completely miss it.

The appointment turned out to be less boring than I expected, which ended with a phone call to Mike in my most happy, hyper voice telling him all about it! Poor man, I could hear in his tone through his excited words that he longed to be there with us. It's in those kind of moments in life when you wish just blinking an eye could bring someone instantly next to your side.

So let me tell you about the fun appointment. An unexpected ultrasound was performed. The baby seemed to be hiding lower than the doctor initially expected so the doppler ultrasound failed to pick up the heart beat. I felt calm still. The doppler never worked on me when I was pregnant with Cayman so it wasn't of great surprise to me when the doctor searched and searched and found no baby. Even with my smaller frame, my tipped uterus is too far from the surface for the doppler to pick up any baby sounds.

Things run a little differently in the high risk clinic. In my pregnancy with Cayman, before the findings of her diagnosis, the doctor never fussed over the inability to find a heart beat on the doppler. I was always sent away being told that sometimes it's normal and nothing to worry about, which was still true in my case. The lack of heart beat found through the doppler had nothing to do with Cayman's diagnosis. It just made for boring OB appointments every month. It's always a delightful experience when you get to hear that little one's heart beating.

But in the high risk clinic, they don't send you out that door until they've thoroughly checked things out. So when the doppler failed to record a heart beat, that's when the ultrasound machine was brought out.

The doctor confidently found the heart beat on the ultrasound's monitor. When I saw the black and white flickering of pixels signifying my baby's heart beating, I did breath in a little deeper and easier.

There it was, just living away and strongly beating in the 150's.

And if that wasn't enough to get my blood flowing, the rest of the scene before me sure did. Little baby was doing all sorts of jumps, leaps, and movements. It was so entertaining!

I found it to feel more reassuring to me than anything. Cayman did not move much in the womb. Maybe that had nothing to do with her ill-forming body, or perhaps it had everything to do with it. Her brain was squished under the pressure of a lot fluid inside her head. The lack of her fetal movements always felt to me like the two were related.

12 weeks

I am 16 weeks pregnant now. I have been feeling baby movements here and there (started about a few weeks ago). It's sporadic though and I am uber-eager for this little one to make a routine of it! The movements of a baby in the womb are intimate, reassuring, and beautiful. And right now my desire to start doing that dance with our little one is on my mind even more than the upcoming anatomy ultrasound, which is in just two weeks.

It's hard for me to realize that the 2nd trimester ultrasound is almost upon us already. It feels like such a big milestone in a pregnancy. I'll be 18 weeks then. The doctor presented the option to schedule the ultrasound at the earliest of 16 weeks for a sooner calming of the curiosity of getting the baby's developing progress checked out. They can see everything well except the chambers of the heart so a repeat ultrasound would need to be done later when the baby is larger.

While I do love getting as many peeks at my baby that I can, Mike and I decided not to do the earlier ultrasound. Mainly for the reason that I did not even want to haggle into the phone call to the insurance company to see if they would pay for two ultrasounds in the second trimester. I have a strong love-hate relationship with them. I appreciate all that our insurance has paid for. The numbers are overwhelming to Cayman's medical care. That's the love part.

The hate has come in the countless phone calls I have made to them over the last two years getting denied claims straightened out. It must be in their job description to give people the run around first before accepting a claim.

Plus for my own heart's sake, I do not feel a strong need to do a sooner ultrasound. Eighteen weeks feels more than soon enough. If there is something there that is just not quite going well with the baby, I would rather wait a bit longer before I find out. That's not because I feel a great anxiety that something is wrong, but it is a reality I know well. I just desire to soak in all the bliss, and nothing more.

I took a belly shot this week.

16 weeks

I'm getting a [little] annoyed that this so-called "bump" really just looks like an exaggerated and unflattering pooch. It's not that coveted little, "Oh look, she's pregnant!" mound. It's more of a flabby lump that makes an appearance saying, "That girl needs to get her rear to the gym and work off that baby fat!" But then that annoyance is followed by the confirmation that a bigger belly now means an even much, much bigger belly in the end. And I remember well the misery a big belly was on my sweet, enduring spine. So the day will come soon enough when my baby bump fills out those maternity shirts in a more fashionable way.

Here are some growth updates this week {from TheBump.com}:


Baby's now the size of an avocado! Watch what you say...tiny bones forming in baby's ears mean she can now pick up your voice. A few more minuscule changes: Eyebrows, lashes, and hair are starting to fill in, and taste buds are forming.

A History of Ann Arbor Days

I was thinking about the first time I stepped through the doors of the U of M hospital. I was 28 weeks pregnant with Cayman.

I felt tiny in this huge building, walking the long hallways.

Hugging the corner of the elevator as we rode it to the 4th floor.

Passing through several more hallways.

And finally arriving outside the doors to the high risk pregnancy clinic.

I could not have told you the way back to our vehicle.

I was lost in a place I did not want to be.

Now, it's been 2 1/2 years of experience walking those halls.

We have visited many departments -Perinatology, Neurology, Ophthalmology, Otolaryngology, Cardiology, etc.

Cayman has had 11 surgeries there.

She's taken 7 trips to the emergency room, twice by ambulance, and once flighted.

The strides Cayman has made because of that place, the familiarity of it, and the relationships created there, have made this place feel warm to me. It's not so intimidating or scary anymore.

I still might not be able to conduct a tour of the large Mott Children's Hospital at U of M, but that's simply because I have a terrible sense of direction. But at every turn there is familiarity to me and I like not feeling so lost anymore.

During Cayman's last shunt revision just a little over 2 weeks ago, there was a mother in the waiting room greatly upset for matters that I do not know all the details to. I did gather that her daughter, who looked to be about 6 years old, was soon to be admitted into the hospital for a scheduled procedure. The mom was nearly yelling at the staff, upset she did not know where to go. It was her first time there and it felt to her like no one was trying to help. The mom was asked to take a seat and they'd send someone over to assist her. She picked her daughter up and cuddled her onto her lap and said, "Oh I hate this place!"

Regardless whether I felt this mother's behavior was unacceptable in front of her young daughter who had to be feeling a fair amount of fright anyways, my heart broke for this mom.

I know that feeling.

It's the feeling of unfamiliarity.

Loneliness and uncertainty.

Feeling so small and desperate, lost in a place you really don't want to be anyways.

All of this was going through my mind yesterday when we stepped through the doors of the U of M hospital. Being pregnant again has me remembering all sorts of memories from our first trip down pregnancy lane with Cayman.

I saw the same perintologist yesterday and he got to meet our little Cayman for the first out of utero.

And we got to see the precious little blob that is our growing baby!

The head is on the right and the butt on the left.

I'm just over 8 weeks pregnant with a due date of February 15, 2011.

To birth Cayman's large head, the doctor had to perform a classical C-section cut. Because of that classical cut this baby will be born also by C-section 3 or 4 weeks before the due date {if all progresses as planned of course}. The doctor said 10% of all women with a history of a classical cut experience the uterus ribbing open during contractions.

Sounds lovely, doesn't it?

The risks of that are icky of course..death for the baby, potential brain damage, bleeding for the mom.

So the doctors want to take the baby before labor would begin for those said reasons. I thought that was a good idea too! I'm praying my body will be predictable and not go into labor earlier than they think.

There are times when the 2 hour drive to Ann Arbor just feels too far!

I learned yesterday that there is valuable things that happen for the baby when the mom goes into labor. There seems to be a natural communication that signals the baby's lungs to start to clear out the amniotic fluid and get ready to breathe fresh air for the first time. When labor never happens the baby's lungs are born with fluid in them. To help combat this issue and to insure the development of the baby's lungs for the earlier delivery, I'll get those steroid shots to help speed up the lung development.

So many things to think about.

So many things to pray about.

But I can tell you, when I am not laying on the couch nauseous, I feel like I am positively glowing over the miracle of life that is happening inside of me!

I'm so happy!

Pregnancy Craving

Your response to our big announcement was overwhelming to us...in a good way! We thank you for rejoicing and praying with us over this baby.

I am not very far along. About 6 weeks. We had thought about not telling just yet for that reason but we could not keep the exciting news from our parents. And we knew it would be too much to ask of them to keep it a secret for more than a couple of days. So we concluded to just make the announcement before it leaked out some here and there.

I am glad we decided to tell of our news early though. So many people have told us that they have committed to pray for this baby and us as we embark on another pregnancy journey.

We are mixed with excitement and nervousness.

I am feeling great so far. The level of nausea I feel is so bearable to me. I was really sick with Cayman. I was pretty much confined to my bed, throwing up twenty-some times a day! I really hope it will not be like that for me again!


For now, my nausea can be satisfied by simply eating salsa.

I have consumed an unbelievable amount of homemade salsa in the last 4 weeks.

Tomatoes.

Morning.

Noon.

And night.

Apparently it is the main object of my pregnancy cravings. It was that way with Cayman and now for this baby too. In fact, my tomato driving desires is what tipped me off to buy a home pregnancy test this time around. I told Mike, "Either I'm pregnant or I am going to go on a diet!" I had been eating tomatoes like crazy for two weeks and my skinny jeans just were not fitting so well anymore.

So 'baby' and I have been endlessly enjoying our bowl fulls of homemade salsa.

Cayman does not understand how yummy it is. I try to share with her but she spits it out.

Mike, he understands how yummy it is. He has been enjoying the big batches of salsa I make too. He is so thoughtful to make certain that I have plenty before he dishes out his own.

And he always, ALWAYS makes sure I get the last serving from each batch.

I think he has remembered well from my pregnancy with Cayman the power of the hormones that can accompany a glaring eye when he once dished out the last of the salsa for himself.

He has not ever done that again! (lol)

Tomorrow...

Cayman sees the ear doctor.

But before that, she will also have another fast MRI performed, then she will see the Neurosurgeon. Her shunt is not any better. Poor kiddo.

SOOOooo...

My blogging may become sporadic over the next week, or two. Or more.

It's due to several reasons.

It is due to the fact that Cayman has been having 2, 3, sometimes 4 appointments a week. It's been busy.

It is also due for the fact that I have been buried in a couple good books that I am currently reading.

It is also due for the reason that I have been so busy still trying to get my photography hobby/business started. I just do not have the time like I desire to spend on it and I have been blessed to have received such an out pour of clients coming forth. I am so behind in all the details and I just do not like that. So I will be playing catch up as I have several more photo shoots ahead of me yet. The response has meant so much to me and turns out people actually like the photos I take. Uh, who knew? It's truly a dream opportunity for me and I'm beaming from ear to ear over it and feeling some comfort that perhaps God has led me to something that can help secure our family as we pay off each year's hefty medical bills.

Additionally, my sporadic blogging will be due to the fact that Cayman's toddler-ness is in full bloom. She is keeping me busy. I am blessed to spend my entire day occupying her short attention spans, wiping marker off her precious face, sweeping my floors multiple times a day, bathing the stickiness off of her, picking up the toy trails she leaves all over the house, and fixing her like a gazillion different meals to find something that will satisfy that picky-eating palate of hers.

Cayman's first time drawing on herself.
Blue ink.

Finally, probably the main reason is due to the fact that my mind is a little preoccupied by a little something that I have been sweetly blessed with and am so excited to share with you...

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I'm DUE!


:)

Will you join us in praying?

Lots of love to you all!

~ Kristen