Desiring Some Simplicity

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

It's been really busy. A near constant on the go, trying to keep up with the list of calling responsibilities on our plate right now.

I am tired. I feel a bit stressed and perhaps weary could be thrown in there too.

I have struggled to keep up physically. Pregnancy slows me down several notches.

I feel frustrated.

I have disappointed people. Emotions run high through me because of that. I know nobody is perfect but still, I hate disappointing.

I have been in a lot of pain. My back is not happy with the load of a growing baby pushing on it from the inside and an ambilatory dependent toddler carried on my hip.

I feel my eyes well up with tears when I look at the growing pile of medical bills and do not know how this situation is going to turn out for us financially.

Stress has a way of bringing out character flaws in us. My husband has been so forgiving. I do not know what I would do without him. He has had to deal with a woman that has very unpredictable and very strong emotions. And he's done it with such grace. It is a gift the way he balances me. In turn it encourages me to grow.

I have had very little time for anything pertaining to just some ME. I miss my hobbies.

I feel Jesus take my face gently into his hands and direct my worrisome eyes back to Him, remembering to "Be still and know that He is God." {Psalm 46:10}

So today, as best as I can, I am going to be still. I am not going to chatter thoughtlessly. I will remember I do not have to defend myself and make sure people think of me the way I want them to (I'll start that today by actually pushing the 'publish' button to this post). I will remember that there was only One person that ever walked this Earth that was declared perfect. I will be more forgiving of myself. The Perfect One is. Today before I make decisions I will listen carefully for God's 'voice'. Today I am not going to be tossed around by anxiety or fear. I will live in stillness.

This is Me.

Right now.

Kind of scattered.

Very real.

15 Showin' Comment Love:

Tiffany said...

I feel you, Kristen. I hope you can be still and calm your mind.

Beth said...

AWWW!!! Praying for you!!!!

Michelle said...

I always felt that pregnancy was so wonderful for many more reasons than the miracle of life. It's also the miracle of eating whatever you want without being hassled for the extra scoop of ice cream and being able to lose your mind and blame it on hormones. You're not perfect, you're human and pregnant - revel in it and enjoy it while it lasts!

David said...

you have disappointed people? come on, be serious, i highly doubt that..

Sue said...

Medical bills, I soooo feel your stress there too. I can't imagine you disappointing anyone....well, maybe when you skip a day of posting, but I know you need that break!! Just take today and you and Cayman do something fun together!!

The James Family said...

For as long as I have known you -which has been a long time I have always been amazed by you! You are an amazing woman who God has blessed me with in my life and for that I will be frever greatful!! You have always put everyone first - sometimes you just need to put you and that little peanut you are carrying around inside of you first!! Praying for losts of rest and peace for you and maybe not so much pregnancy fog! :) Love you girl!

Jill S. said...

Just wanted you to know I love you!

And poo on medical bills.

And I say you need to have a whole day to just knit. I sure wish we lived closer (how many times have I said this?) and I could have you over and get out my knitting needles and some cocoa and a good chick flick...wouldn't that be fun???

Praying for a relaxing peaceful day!

Sarah M said...

Bravo on being brave enough to admit your faults and allow yourself to be vulnerable. That is not easy! I hope and pray you can get some peace and rest. May the peace of God guard your heart and mind (Philippians 4:7), today especially.

Diane said...

You definitely need to take some time for yourself. Who cares what others think and disappointments. Everyone is human. ~~Hugs~~

Brad Gibbs said...

Just remember that you are your own worst critic. From what I can tell, most people think you are somewhere between awesome and perfect! Amy and I have appreciated your support and prayers for Claire.

Lisa said...

I'm with my brother David on this one. How could you ever, in a million years, disappoint someone?

Kristen, I am so sorry that you are feeling down and that there are so many things burdening you right now.

As I read your post today I couldn't help but be reminded of my favorite hymn, 'Be Still My Soul'. The words to that hymn have eased my burdens and brought me peace many, many times throughout the past 3.5 years:

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

I hope these words bring you some peace too, dear friend.


Anonymous said...

When I was pregant with my twins, I walked into Motherhood Maternity. They had this velcro, wide thick white elastic "belt" that I put on and promptly wore out of the store. It fit just under the tummy. It helped to relieve some of the pressure from my back to distribute around my waist better. Hard to explain but maybe it would help you?

Anonymous said...

This makes me so sad. Trust me when I say, you doing much better than you are giving yourself credit for! Just look at the mountains you've climbed these past years. Money stress is the worst! An everything seems so much worse when you are exhausted. You need to make yourself a priority! I can imagine that there are a billion people who would love to babysit Cayman :) Take a day to yourself! Take a long bath, get a new book to read, rent a season of the Gilmore girls, go get a few things at your favorite yarn store, Read the book of James (my personal favorite), go for a walk alone with your headphones, or just take a nap!
Take care of yourself and we know that somehow, some way God will take care of the rest.

Cayman's Daddy said...

Trust me when i say that your "love bank" is full. You just be you and you don't have to worry about anything else with me.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes it's easy to get lost in the craziness and routine of life but remember you are only human. You are doing the best that you can and you have to take time out if only just a brief moment for yourself, otherwise how will you bell well enough to take care of everyone else. I am feeling what you are feeling, you are not alone. Just remember to breath.