Keeping Fear in Its Place

Friday, May 7, 2010

Last night after I posted an update to the blog, I fell asleep next to Cayman's bedside peacefully. I felt great assurance that God's faithful presence has been with us and will remain. He will completely restore our little Cayman to us.

I awoke not with that same renewed spirit though. All morning I struggled with an anxiety over things yet to happen. It overtook my assurance and I found myself in a place of doubt and fear. I'm not sure if I dreampt of the previous day's horrific memories or what spurred on such a pessimistic mood. I don't remember dreaming but reality has been making its sinking presence and reminding me of the gruesome image of the CPR compressioins being performed on my little Cayman.

I sat down with my Bible this morning. When I'm not reflecting on God's promises and His faithful showings, fear and doubt enters me. Which is why I need to be careful about what I take in because it will make all the difference in what will come out of me. It's imperative to make the effort of keeping God's Words in my heart and mind. The devil has tried every way to steal the Word from me and keep it from producing in my life. And that was my fight this morning - the fight for my faith.

Whatever is written on my mind and heart will control my life. I know the killing effects of when fear and doubt move in. It robs my joy and keeps me from being free to take in the very present moments that God is so graciously giving us.

I grabbed a hold of God's reassuring promise:

There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears. -Philippians 1:6 (the Message)

I sat.

I read.

I reflected.

I remembered.

Cayman's life from the beginning.

The miraculous strides she has made in this life.

A testimony of God's working hand that has always been there.

I sat quietly as I thought of the image of my little Cayman blue, pale, and lifeless on the table. For a moment she was dead. DEAD.

Lifting my eyes up from my opened Bible I looked at my little Cayman sleeping.

Recovering. Pink. Breathing. So beautiful.


God's amazing miracle!

He must have more of the beautiful Cayman Cindy's story to be written on this earth yet. And I'm glad. I love being the instrument that gets to tell it.

Petting her daddy's head, something typical that Cayman does.

It was beyond words the emotions I felt when Cayman recognized and re-bonded with her favorite toy.

Eating for the first.
Which made a reappearance soon after it was down.
But this evening she has eaten more and kept it down.

She has so much recovery to make yet.

Painted toenails.
Isn't the quilt gorgeous that she is laying on? Her night nurse's mom made it and Cayman gets to keep it!

17 Showin' Comment Love:

The James Family said...

Love it Kris!!! I'm glad Cayman is returning with that same spirit!! We love to see that beautiful girl!! We are keeping the prayers going!! We love you guys so much - remember there might be 2000 miles between us... but I'm ONLY a phone call away!! I love you - give Cayman big hugs and kisses from all of us!

Joyce said...

Kristen, I read your words and recall our own moments of blue with Miss Sarah. We too have been down that road as you know a few times. But right now I am going to put my professional hat on and suggest that you talk about everything in your memory from last night. After our second episode, I became certified in Critical Incidence Stress Debriefing. The philosophy is this: if you talk about your "incident" within 24-48 hours you are much less likely to experience Post Traumatic Stress which is harder to overcome and can impact your day to day activities. I've seen it work with so many people including TJ when he was hit by the semi on I-71. It is imperative that you and Mike talk now. It can be with each other or with a social worker at the hospital. Even your family or friends who are at the hospital with you. Share your feelings and emotions. What you felt when the helicopter lifted off. How each of you felt when Mike was running in with Cayman. Any vision that is bothering you right now. Try not to bury it. I will be in Toledo for a soccer game on Sunday morning and would be happy to come up to the hospital to just listen.

Gretchen said...

so nice to see those one of a kind heart melting smiles of hers again. God sure loves that kid! So happy for improvements.

Sara said...

So amazing what God can do! I know when Kadyn has gone through this I lost myself and my faith for awhile. I am not proud of those moments but I am proud that I have always found my way back to him.

God has a plan for you beautiful girl, as he does Kadyn. He sent you a miracle child who has gone above and beyond what most would of thought, this is just a speed bump on the highway of life for her.

I am glad she is making progress. If you need anything ANYTHING! you have my number I don't live far, please call me and I will bring you whatever it is you, coloring books (i color in the hospital haha) Books, puzzles or even someone to talk to! I am here!

Anonymous said...

I think it is totally human of you to have fear and anxiety when it comes to your child. I know it may not be healthy but sometimes it is hard to control it, especially after yesterdays events!

Love the updated photos of Cayman, Mike and yourself.

She does have a long road ahead with surgery etc. You will have all our prayers and her fighting spirit to help.


Tara said...

Joy fills me to see Cayman looking good. I know she is not done yet but oh my what a journey she has already made.

I know from first hand experience what it is like to see what you saw. Noone should ever have to see that let alone experince with your own child.

I continue to pray for a quick and painless recovery for Cayman and for yours and Mikes hearts. I know they are aching and I hope you find peace, and soon. God is great and he will help lead you through this.

Sam said...

Hi Kristen and Mike-

I have been following your little Angel's blog for about a year now, finding it after my own little boy was born with some of the same challenges as Cayman. I am so sorry to hear what has happened, and i send many prayers and warm wishes your way. Your little girl has certainly touched my heart and with such amazing parents i have every hope she will get through all life's challenges.

take care,

Samantha Murphy & family

Diana Parker said...

I find comfort in the fact that you took a photo of those cute toes with their red nail polish! And what a heartfelt gift that quilt is-Cayman is literally and spiritually wrapped in love. God's blessing to all of you!

Krissy said...

Here come the tears again! I love how you so eloquently let us in to your life and your faith, it speaks volumes to your character. Sofi and I just love Cayman so much, and her parents, of course! The photos of her playing and eating brought tears of joy to my eyes. I remember vividly still, when the nurses were struggling to keep Sofi alive a few hours after her heart transplant before she was placed on ECMO. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt, that immediate fear of losing her. It still makes my stomach hurt to think back on it. We were always grateful to have Sofi, but after that moment, the gratefulness changed immensely. Even on Sofi's worst terrible-two days, if I think back to that day, NOTHING can seem stressful compared to that. I hate that you had to experience something so horrifying, but I know that the experience will change you even more, for the better. You're amazing parents. AMAZING. Cayman is so lucky to have you both.

Michelle said...

I'm over from Lisa's blog, I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter is having troubles, you'll be in our thoughts.

Gabriella said...

I have no doubt that this girl will be doing her regular crawling and playing and making everyone laugh. Keep strong.

Tyler said...

God has big plans for Cayman here on earth and he is holding her hand the entire way...and yours too. And you tell her story so well, the good and the bad. My thoughts would be all of the place in your circumstances, which is why Travis (my husband) always writes Tyler's blog when he was in the hospital. I love seeing that smile on Cayman. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Diane, Tyler's mom

The Soldatke family said...

I love to read your words Kristen...what a beautiful picture of your heart. God has been so faithful and he definitely is not done with her yet!!

I know journaling for you is therapy and I'm so glad to see you are still doing it..I agree with Joyce that debriefing is so important, I've been through some of those critial incident defriefings myself as a nurse. It has helped me work through some of those emotions and what-if's and images we can't seem to get out of our mind.

I'm praying for you guys and you are not far from my heart. I picked up my phone at least a dozen times yesterday to call you, but then put it down as I know firsthand how busy things are in the PICU and I don't want to bug you. Know we are thinking about you. I wish the miles did not separate as I would be right by your side.

Love you my friend and keep the updates coming! :)

adia said...

wow what a great quilt and super cute toes!! love that picture!

TherExtras said...

Believing in God's healing power as I request it for Cayman.

I read another blog of a parent whose child had her shunt externalized - about 2 months ago. She is doing very well now. Oh, she lives in Ohio, too. When you are ready to read other blogs again I will get it to you if you want.


Katie said...

LOVING the photos, the images in my mind, watching and hoping of the family who has brought me such comfort. How can I comfort you in this time?


I have asked for prayer, from GREAT warriors. I believe those prayers will be answered and she WILL be healed!

linzypooh49 said...

And you do tell an amazing, powerful story! So glad that Cayman's story is continuing and that today she is doing better and that the surgery was a success. Tears were a flowin tonight while I was reading through the last few days of posts.