So Blessed

I dressed Cayman in this cute little shirt today.

I bought it when I was pregnant with her. I loved its simple, clean design; the tiny pleats, the lace ruffles on the sleeves, the embroidered flowers, and the petite bows. But that's not the main reason why I love this shirt.

If this shirt becomes stained and even torn I will never throw it away. It's going right in Cayman's keepsake box once she outgrows it.

I wrote a journal entry the day I bought this shirt. After reading it I think you'll know exactly why this shirt is so special.

Saturday November 10, 2007
I walked into the ultrasound just a few days ago and my biggest thought was "I hope we get to find out if it's a boy or a girl?"

I never expected to later discover there was something wrong with my baby.

Now my biggest thoughts are "Will she live? Will she die? Will she be born with abnormalities?" These thoughts plague and taunt me all day and night. They keep me awake even when I'm at my most tired.

How do I handle this? How can I handle this?

Yesterday I started preparing myself for a loss of our baby. I stopped picturing her growing up. She became so nonexistent I felt as though she was no longer inside of me. I asked God, "How do I handle this since you promise You don't give more than I can bear?"

Live for today, came to my mind.

She's alive today. I can feel her moving inside of me. I have her ultrasound pictures to look at and hold.

So today I went shopping with my mom and sisters. I bought Cayman a few outfits. This was the first I had bought anything for my baby. I do not know if she will ever get to wear them but today I wanted her to have the cute outfits for today she is with me.

I think this is what it means to live like there's no tomorrow. Obviously if we knew there was no tomorrow we would not go to work, we wouldn't spend so much time catching up on the loads of laundry we're behind on, we'd spend the day with those that we love, and we'd blow our savings account. But there's another way to live like there's no tomorrow...a more practical way since our guess at the future is as good as a magic eight ball's. You live for what you have right now.

So today I have Cayman and I had so much fun picking out a few outfits for her. It brought me so much joy to be able to do that. I bought my baby girl the cutest things because today she's with me. I am not going to picture and "prepare" myself for losing her because today I still have her. It doesn't take the worry and fear away. It just makes today bearable and isn't that what God promises?...to not give more than we can bear. And if tomorrow I lose her I will all over again not know how to handle it. How can I handle it? And I will ask God again and He will then tell me. That's how we get through any hard time. One step at a time. God's faithfulness does not necessarily revolve around the hard situation ceasing. Rather Him promising to provide each step and the strength needed to take it. It's this fulfillment of His promise that makes Him faithful.

So today God gets the praise, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day....

And here's the cute little girl...alive and modeling her shirt!
"Thank You God! You get the praise!"