Now and Then

I was cleaning out today. I came across a journal I had kept during the beginning part of my pregnancy. It was before my 20 week ultrasound when my baby was diagnosed with Congenital Hydrocephalus. How strange it was to read my own thoughts from back then. How different they were then compared to the 2nd half of my pregnancy. It felt like I was reading someone else's journal, like it was a different time, or a different situation. I stopped journaling after that ultrasound. I wish I would have kept it up. I'm not exactly sure what I would have written. It's been hard for me to know how to put all my feelings into words, which has been one of the main motivations for creating Cayman's blog. I find it healing when I can figure out how to express myself. Otherwise if I can't put my feelings in some form of words that make sense, then everything just stays bottled up and I become emotionless so I can feel less. I don't like who I am when I do that. That's why you'll find me talking in circles sometimes trying to figure out what I'm feeling because once I can know, usually I can find a direction of where to go from there.

I can remember the complete devastation I felt when the doctor broke the news to us that day in his office. I quit listening to his report just so I could concentrate on controlling my tears. I knew if I kept listening I would cry so hard I would not be able to breathe or talk...and those are the kind of cries you want to do only at home, not in a doctor's office. I remember wishing there was a way out to the parking lot without having to pass through the busy waiting area full of other pregnant women. I wonder what the other women thought when they saw Mike and I leaving that day with so many tears on our faces. I know what they felt. I use to have those same thoughts before my baby's diagnosis. You can't say you know what the pain feels like, but you can totally identify how dreadful it is. I know I would have never been able to journal the pain I felt then. There were no words, nothing that could describe what we felt. The pain now is not the same as it was then. I think having Cayman tangible makes that difference. There is still pain but it's different than it was. And maybe it's not the pain that is different as much as my need and desire to hold my baby close can and is being fulfilled. So I have some joy along with the pain, making it more bearable. There was so much unknown and there actually still is but it seems less scary. I didn't say not scary at all, just less. Which is huge because it makes this situation more doable. Before I didn't know how I was going to handle this. Mike and I have agreed we don't know how we are handling it. You just do what you have to do when you have to do it.

But see this little face? She makes it doable for us...a lot easier...completely worth it!!