As long as I don't compare our life with Cayman to all the others that have kids without birth defects I feel completely content. That tells me I have more growing to do so my contentment in this situation is unconditional. I get angry that Cayman
has to go through so much even though she's been such a trooper about it all. I hate that I know we'll be back in the hospital with her again sometime in the future for more surgeries. I hate that I don't know how to dream about one year from now, or two, or three, etc. I don't know if I'll be able to take my little girl to the park and watch her run around playing. I hate that I don't know if she'll ever be able to say "Mama". There is so much I do not understand. I know what the Bible says: Psalm 139:13 "...You knit me together in my mother's womb." So does 
that mean God intended for Cayman to have all these issues?
For months I have not come to the answer to that. But whenever I bring it to God the answer I do receive is: "Cayman was created in love, and for love." I have a lot of growing to do and a lot of understanding to obtain. Years ago I made up my mind in life not to be one that strays from my faith in God even and especially when life is tough. The way I see it is it's not real faith if I have it only when things are going my way. I can't really say I believe God made Cayman's brain to be damaged, or for her to have so many surgeries in order for her to live. But what I do believe is a life without love is useless. I do believe that God has our best at His heart. He is a big powerful God that if He did not make Cayman like this then the other option is He allowed her to be this way. And I trust that it is for her best and ours. He has plans that clearly were not our plans. But because I know and believe He is a God of love I can know He is there with good intentions. I think it's society that shapes our minds to think of this situation as more of a tragedy than a blessing. At one time all I could feel was the hardship from it. But my feelings have already begun to change...a lot since Cayman has been born...and even more since we came home with her. I no longer feel like we're living in a tragedy with Cayman. It's much more of feeling love, growth, and 
blessed. I am far from understanding where and how God fits into the exact creation of Cayman, but I am so glad He gave her to me. 
I hope no one thinks of our little family and feels bad for us. We are not living in sadness. If you would come into our home I think you would find a very happy place. We have love. We have faith. We have hope. Our life is beautiful!! Our life is blessed! Someone compared us to Job once. But we're so far from a Job situation. Job had losses...big losses. We don't. We have gains. We have Cayman and even though things may be hectic and stressful t
hat does not take away any of the beauty we have in our life with her. This last month since Cayman has been born, Mike and I have laughed together, fought very little, hugged a lot, and are truly enjoying life with our beautiful Cayman. I hope no one feels sorry for us. I hope everyone will look at us and see love, joy, happiness, and beauty because that is what we feel we have!
It's A Wonderful Life
Monday, April 7, 2008
Posted by Kristen at 11:02 PM
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11 Showin' Comment Love:
You are very blessed!! Cayman is such a sweet little girl, a fighter, and definately a little miracle!! We think of you all so often and thank God for giving Cayman such loving parents as you and Mike!
Valerie
Kristen, Becky Cantwell sent me your blog. You, Mike and Cayman are such an inspiration! Thank you for sharing your story. You will all be in my prayers. I knit too, so it was fun to look at all your great hats. Hats are my favorite to do too. Partly because the little angels that wear them make them look so much better. :) God bless, Susie
Happy Birthday Cayman! It's hard to believe it has been one month already, yet I can't imagine our lives without her. We love her so much. Whether I'm holding her or just thinking about her, she makes me smile.
There is a story that I want to share with you. I think you will find that it explains your situation (and mine) quite well. I am planning on posting it on my blog soon, but I thought that you would enjoy reading it today. It goes well with your post. Prepare yourself for the worlds longest comment :)
Welcome to Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley
"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."
When our lives don't look like what we "dreamed" of, it can be hard to change to reality. Trust me, because we have been here, God does not stop loving you, blessing you, guiding you, and giving you many things to rejoice about! Just keep looking for how your lives are touched by the King and you will be amazed. There are many people who will never know the care He gives like you will! Thanks for your honesty, as it brings back many memories to me and yes, I do smile about them! Holland is very beautiful!
I read my mom's comment. We do love her so much! and even tho i haven't seen her in a while...every time i see a pic of her, i smile!! she is so adorable!! see you soon!! can't wait!! :):)
This post is so encouraging to me! It's been apparent since I've been visiting your blog how thankful you are for the blessing God has given you in Cayman. Probably everyone has some situation where they wonder what God was thinking or why He couldn't have accomplished His will in another way. How awesome a reminder to make our perspective more like His, trusting His love, and rejoicing that His power is perfected in our weaknesses! Through Cayman and the witness you are able to present through her, the Lord has really touched me (and others, obviously from the outpouring of comments on every post!) He promises that His strength is sufficient, and He's proven that His character is trustworthy. I'm not very good at communicating what I want to say through writing, but I wanted to share one of the ways your testimony has been a blessing in my life. My son is facing a fairly minor surgery soon, but it's so scary to me--I long to learn the kind of reliance on the true Healer that is demonstrated through your writing. Continued prayers for you, Mike, and Cayman! You're doing a great job. :)
Kris,
My first comment! I didn't find out about the blog until shortly before Cayman was born. Now I (and some of my friends!) check it daily. I even have a friend who will alert me when there is a new post I might have missed. I can't wait to meet Cayman (and to give you a big hug!). When I was first told that Cayman was going to be special I remember making the comment that if anyone's strength and faith could rise to the challenge it would be you and Mike. In my opinion God has defintely chosen the exactly right parents for Cayman. This is one very blessed little girl who is going to be smothered in love :)
This corner of Michigan is praying for your little family daily! I love you guys so :)
-Ang
As I was reading your post, I kept thinking of the Holland poem too. My aunt sent it to me when we found out that Jake had Spina Bifida. It came on a day when I seemed to have needed to read those words most.
In the beginning, I wondered why my son would have to come to this earth and receive such a broken body. But thankfully as time went on, I came to understand more the purpose in Jake being the way that he is. First of all, four years later, I now understand that WE needed Jake. We needed him to teach us. I could feel from the first movements he ever made inside my belly how strong he was. I just knew that he was a tough one, and he had a lot to teach those around him.
Cayman has a purpose in this world, even if it's not easy to understand right now. You love her just for being her, and that is all that matters. In time, the understanding that you need will come. I admire your faith so much. She is so blessed to have you as a mother Kristen.
Once again, thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts and feelings with us.
A couple of verses that so encouraged me during rough and scary times with one of my children who has chronic health issues, tho not as apparent or significant as Caymans. The first one was the one you used Ps 139. God gave me that specific verse for the specific child that was to have the most health issues while I was pregnant with her and did not have a clue she would struggle as she has and it comforted me later on to know He made her, knew her and even when the doctors and her parents were stumped, God was not!
The second verse is Jerimiah 29:11:
I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope.
And for my fearful times this last verse so kept me going,
Ps 112:7,8(living version) He does not fear bad news, nor live in dread of what MAY happen, for it is settled in his mind that God will take care of him(and those he loves-my addition!) and that is why he can calmly face his foes. My foes were health issues with my children and husband and it really fit for me to pray for my mind to be settled that God will take care of us, maybe not the way I planned or wanted, but He will/has take/n care of us. You too! Hope God blesses and encourages you with these verses! You sure are encouraging me with such strong faith at so tender an age! Linda(Sarah M's Mom)
this is Reyna A.K.A Fothdog girlfriend I have been reading about your beautiful little girl! And I just want you to know that I know how it feels to know that people feel sorry for what God gave you and they shouldn't feel sorry, they should be happy that she is doing better by the day. At least I am when I read your blogs and you have good news I'm exited and tell Mike Foth the good news!!And I know how it feels like in the hospital when your child has surgery because our son Jayden was born with cleft lip and pallet and had surgery on Dec 14. Giving him to the nurse to take him to the O.R.was horrible. I wanted everything to just magic and be fine so he could just go home.He has two more surgery's to go through . Anyway I will be reading about Cayman and hopefully I will be able to see her !
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